Have you ever really liked someone but you knew damn well they were trouble? This happened to me recently. Hardest shit EVER. I knew that I would fall hard for this guy. I knew it. Every nerve ending in my body was telling me to run. The chemistry was too good. We were talking constantly and just vibing on a level I had never connected with another person on. The problem was….he has a whole fiance. My moral compass was spinning in circles over this situation.
I knew the moment my heart started racing when I heard my phone ding that it was a wrap. I was reminded every time I caught myself daydreaming about him that the trouble following any sort of fuckery would be epic. The moment I smelled his cologne I knew that it would break me. It all sounds uber dramatic but, I had been chatting with him since my last post on D-Day. I’ve basically been celebrating my freedom with him. It was my last relationship ALL OVER AGAIN. We all know how well that shit turned out.
There’s a song by The Strokes called “Bad Decisions” and when I tell you I’ve been playing on repeat for days I’m being so serious. The fact that I was immediately able to see what a bad idea all this was is a vast improvement in terms of my healing status. In the past, the idea of having someone would have sent me into a death spiral of codependent, people-pleasing, toxicity. Even with knowing all of this I am aching…..It’s absolute agony. I’m just sitting here shaking my damn head.
I had to take extreme measures to free myself. I blocked him. I blocked his number and unfriended him. My people-pleasing ass feels absolutely awful but, I had to do it for me, you know what I mean? Imagine my dope ass self being a side chick? I think TF not. I know that I deserve better than that. I am hoping that he does too. So, I’m gonna go ahead and keep enjoying this single life. I’m not a fucking masochist. This is what growth looks like.
Maybe next lifetime.
Have you ever had to make the decision to run to avoid a potential dumpster fire of emotional hot messery?