Healing is Messy

I am 7 months into my healing process and I have to remind myself daily that its not an easy process.  You see, I’m not healing from my last relationship, or the one before that….I am healing from every relationship I have ever had.  I am having to rewire my brain to get rid of codependency. I am having to teach myself that I am dope and that I deserve to love myself.  This process is messy AF. Mainly because it means acknowledging that I haven’t loved myself in a long time. Who TF wants to admit some shit like that?? 

Honestly, I thought it would be easier than it is.  I thought by freeing myself from a covert malignant narcissist the healing would be inherent.  It isn’t. It takes work. It takes hard work and a lot of it. Every single day I give myself assignments.  I face daily challenges on things like setting clear boundaries with others, saying no without explanation, being comfortable in my own skin and enjoying my own company.  Who would have thought these things would be so damn difficult?

While admitting that healing is hard and messy, I also force myself to look back at my accomplishments over the last couple of months.  I have gotten rid of the shame of what has happened to me. I acknowledged that I am not at fault for other people’s shitty ass, toxic, problematic behavior. I unbroke my own heart by remembering that I deserve better than a pathological lying, manipulative, control freak who didn’t love me so much as loving what I did for him.  Hell, even coming to terms with the fact that I am codependent is a major accomplishment. You can’t deal with things that you won’t admit to right? The first step is admitting you have a problem.  

If you are healing from your own battles just know, I am proud of you.  I know it’s hard. Some days I want to fall back into my old patterns and just be the caretaker for someone else so that they can make me feel good about myself every once in a while.  Those days have become fewer and farther between because every morning I remind myself that if I actually become my own caretaker, I will genuinely feel good about myself.    

Baby steps.

I want to hear from you guys. What part of your healing journey are you struggling with?

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