So I took a little break. I’ll share my experiences with you guys soon but I mean, basically I’ve been traveling, working and trying to get my shit together.
Well, it’s the night before Thanksgiving and I’m all alone. I can’t stand the idea of being around other people because this is not normal for me. I’m afraid that being around others will make it worse honestly. This C-PTSD shit sucks.
I was sitting here thinking of how weird it is that I’m alone; drinking wine and watching Die Hard (The best Christmas movie of all time). So I decided to write a list of shit that I could be doing right now.
- Arguing over something totally stupid and manufactured by a narcissist just to shake things up and get some supply from me.
- Walking on eggshells to avoid a rage attack.
- Trying to distract everyone in the house so they aren’t uncomfortable because of all of the tension in the air.
- Being as nice as possible to everyone in the house in order to lower the probability of an incident that could create a rage attack.
- Waiting on everyone hand and foot to eliminate drama.
- Not touching my phone at all so that he’s not looking over my shoulder to see who I am texting…even if I’m not texting…
- Pretending to be happy
- Pretending to be having genuine fun because that could possibly lead to punishment later
- Thinking long and hard about my outfit to avoid jealousy or the appearance of trying to outdo him
- Wondering what my punishment would be that night or the next day.
- Trying to find balance between paying attention to my friends/family and paying attention to him
- Figuring out how to work around his Procrastination
- Getting a guilt trips for any and everything
- Wondering what he’ll lie about next
- Arguing over whether or not Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie (ok this one isn’t specific to him but, you can agree or you can be wrong.)
This was a super small sampling but it made me feel a hell of a lot better about being alone right now. This season is going to be tougher than I thought but you know what? Out of all the men that have ever been in my life, including the one that caused me to be so damn codependent….I despise the last one the most.
Surely I can make it through the holiday season just fine if THAT’S the alternative.
…and when in doubt, watch Die Hard.