Broken and Beautiful

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Get ready y’all….this is gonna be a bumpy ride.  I’m suffering from C-PTSD as a result of narcissistic abuse.  Side note: I definitely pissed someone off with that last sentence but, I gotta speak my truth.  I’ve been keeping busy to avoid it but that isn’t necessarily helping. My abusers broke my mind so badly that some days I don’t know left from right.  I’m literally afraid that people are going to hurt me daily. I’m afraid to let people close. Last night I found myself in a death spiral of crazy cluster fuckery.  All because I scared my damn self. Here’s what C-PTSD is:

Last night I engaged in some serious self-sabotage.  It wasn’t until this morning that I realized how splintered my mind had become.  I surely went into my marriage co-dependent but I’ve come out the other side as a person I don’t always recognize. I started thinking yesterday that maybe being alone for the rest of my life isn’t such a bad idea.  Think about it…no relationships mean no drama, no pain, no disappointment. Not to mention the fact that I think that because of all of the trauma I’ve experienced, I am bound to do a shit ton of damage to anyone I meet post my brutal but extremely necessary decision to discard my last abuser.

I wondered if I don’t deserve all the love I’m getting right now from my family and friends.  Maybe they just feel sorry for me for being so stupid for so long. Maybe they think I choose bad partners and that it’s all my fault.  Since sharing my situation with my friends and family I’ve had two people ask me why I let him get in my head the way he did. Like, I just willfully handed my mind over and was like here…take a sledgehammer to it and let’s see what happens.  It felt like blame and although I tried not to internalize it, I obviously did.  

Maybe I am undeserving of all the positive feedback from people on a daily basis.  I’m helping people who are in the situation that I was in but, I’m doing it to keep myself busy so it’s not exactly selfless.  People tell me how strong I am but, I feel so freaking weak. People tell me how far I’ve come but, mentally and emotionally I feel very much the same if not worse at times.

I picked up some serious fleas from him and that means that I may be as paranoid, confused, and anxious as he is behind that mask that everyone else knows and loves.  That’s some scary shit right there. For sure the thing that came out of my death spiral last night is the realization that I need to stop acting like I’m o.k. when I’m not. I don’t have it all together. I can share my experiences and help others but I am not yet a success story. 

I thought I was healing but, like Adele said “They say that time’s supposed to heal ya…but I ain’t done much healing”. It’s going to take hard work, dedication and avoiding distractions.  I think it is the intention of toxic people to make you so crazy that you have nowhere to go but back to them. Well, fuck that. I’m never going back to the fuckers who broke me or anyone like them. 

This cannot be my destiny. I cannot let the toxic people that have cycled through my life win. I will work my ass off to get this mind of mine right before I inflict pain on myself or others simply because I’m so fucking broken. 

So what do you guys think?  Am I being too hard on myself?  Is it normal to slip up and freak the fuck out after trauma and abuse?

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