I’m on the subway listening to Adele because Adele is life and nobody is gonna tell me any different.  Ok, I digress…The song Turning Tables came up in the shuffle. The lyrics in this song so concisely describe my relationship with my husband and the cycle of abuse that I dealt with the entire course of our relationship, it’s uncanny.  So let’s break this down, shall we?

“Close enough to start a war

All that I have is on the floor

God only knows what we’re fighting for

All that I say, you always say more”

If you have ever dealt with a toxic person you know what it’s like to be walking on eggshells because any slip up could start a damn war.  You don’t even know what you said but just like that you are being yelled at for any perceived slight and just like that, all your shit (physical or emotional) is scattered and being trampled all over the damn floor and no matter how hard you try, you can’t get a word in.  They just have more words and their words fucking HURT.

“I can’t keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me

I can’t give you, what you think you gave me

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables, yes

To turning tables”

The chorus of this song is when the decision to leave starts really forming in your mind. I knew that I had to get away from him because every single opportunity to converse with me (even via email) becomes GASLIGHTAPALOOZA!! Even though he is the abuser his M.O. is to convince me that I too am abusive thereby turning the tables on me. He’s a master at projecting the blame that he is unable to handle on me. I will never be in contact with him again because any contact is guaranteed to result in me being abused either verbally or mentally. I had to detach enough to go no contact. It’s the only way to free yourself.

“Under haunted skies I see you

Uuh, and when love is lost, your ghost is found

I braved a hundred storms to leave you

As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down”

I see my husband everywhere.  This entire city is haunted with the ghost of the man who pretended to be this attentive, lovable, victim of everyone around him who I just wanted to help and love.  It takes an abuse victim an average of seven attempts to finally leave their abuser for good. They will keep trying and trying to convince you that they will change and they WILL NOT.  They just won’t. No matter how many times he will try to convince me that he will, he will never ever get to me again. I will not be knocked down. My resolve is too strong and 5 weeks of freedom has shown me that I can survive without the bond that trauma built.  

“Next time I’ll be braver

I’ll be my own savior

When the thunder calls for me

Next time I’ll be braver

I’ll be my own savior

Standing on my own two feet”

This verse obviously speaks for itself and it’s where I am now. I’ll never ignore red flags again. Ever. I will never allow anyone to get in my head or take advantage of me. The one thing my husband did for me was teach me what love isn’t.

Love isn’t controlling because I don’t need to be controlled. Love isn’t manipulative because I don’t need to be manipulated. Love isn’t gaslighting or crazy making or projecting….Love is love and I now know that I must love myself in order to save myself from the monsters who prey on empathetic people like myself. I won’t let anyone close enough to hurt me again. I will have to be healed to keep this from happening to me again. I am my own savior now. I know when to walk away.

So, I either perverted the hell out of this Adele song OR I broke it down like a fucking boss.  What do you think?