Now I can sit here and tell y’all all the lies I’ve been told by the men I’ve loved in my life but legitimately who has that kinda time?!? Like…it would take me hours…maybe even days. So instead, I’m going to tell you how toxic people get away with lies. They’re gonna hate me for this one!
My husbands lied to me constantly. CONSTANTLY!!!! When I caught them in their lies it was always the same pattern. That pattern is called D.A.R.V.O.. D.A.R.V.O. stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Here’s how this mind fuck works….
Step 1: He lies
Step 2: He gets caught up in said lie
Step 3: He denies the lie
Step 4: He attacks me for some totally random, off the wall, old ass, dumb ass, unrelated ass, ridiculous ass, fake ass shit that he may or may not have made up on the fly because he’s panicking about being caught in a lie
Step 5: I become the reason that he told me this lie. It’s now my fault and I brought all this shit on myself.
Here’s a fun example. I caught my husband texting another woman (multiple times but whatever). I called him out on this betrayal cause I mean like wtf, right? Well, his response was how dare I invade his privacy by checking his phone. Is that really relevant right now? Welp, he had to attack me so yes. The next thing I know I’m being told that didn’t take good enough care of him. Our house isn’t clean enough. I’m the reason he can’t stick to his marital vows. Oh and btw it didn’t mean anything; she means nothing to him; and I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
As a newly woke and amazing friend of mine stated so profoundly yesterday:
“That was a totally non-consensual mind fuck right there.”
Here’s another example:
This man told me that one day he woke up and found out he “may have” a son. Shocker right?!? I was hella supportive though. A few months later he mentions his son again in the context of a past due child support bill. Wait..what?!! I’m immediately like hold up slim, you told me that you didn’t know you had a son.
This dude immediately goes on the attack because apparently I just called him a liar. While he’s going on and on about what a terrible person I am for calling him a liar I am pulling out my phone to pull up the text message from a few months before to bust his ass out. I’ve never been so damn glad to have a text message as evidence. When I sent him screenshots of the conversation I wished like hell I could see his face cause he was CAUGHT CAUGHT. Ok?
That was an epic apology too. So many excuses about how ashamed he was and how he didn’t want me to think badly of him and blah blah blah. Ultimately I forgave him because I was a sucka and that’s what I did then.
Anyone who lies to you is toxic. Don’t wait for a pattern. If they lied once, they will lie over and over if they think they can get away with it by confusing you with D.A.R.V.O.. They aren’t doing it because they’re afraid of what you’ll say or how you’ll react to the truth. They are doing it because they are toxic, lying, fucked up, assholes. I deserve better. I know damn well I do and you do too. Stay woke.
Lessons learned? Call out liars and then get the fuck away from them.
Question of the day: Have you ever had to deal with a lying ass significant other? How did you handle it?