I had heard of abandonment issues before. It sounded dreadful. I always thought, my God anyone with these mythical issues must be seriously screwed up. Like how the fuck are they getting through life?
Enter my virtual therapist….While going through the narcissistic abuse I was being subjected to by my second husband my therapist asked me about my relationships with other men in my life. With an uncomfortable giggle I recounted that my Dad stopped caring for me and ended regular visitation with me when he met and married my step mother. Her response was like a kick to my damn throat.
She said “Oh ok. So tell me about these abandonment issues.” I gasped internally, looked left and right to see who she was talking and asked myself “what the hell did she just say to you?”. Did I say anything about abandonment issues? Who the hell does this chick think she is?!? Ummm thank God it was the end of the session. She said we’d revisit that shit on the next visit. I slammed my laptop closed and didn’t talk to her for weeks.
The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that kick to the throat may have been what I needed to begin to explain what was going on in my head while dealing with the trifling men that have cycled in and out of my life.
My Dad and I were inseparable in my youth. Every other weekend we were together. Taking road trips, going to the movies, hockey games, museums, plays….he is the reason this bougie girl is so damn bougie but for the purpose of this post we’ll call it cultured. So anyway, he meets this woman. She seems nice enough. She bought me a flight jacket when they were Trendy as a sort of peace offering. Well, one day my Dad called to let me know that he and this woman went to Hawaii and got married.
Oh ok so I see what’s going on here…From there on I was out and she was in. When they moved to San Francisco, I was never invited to visit but my cousins were. The same thing happened when he moved to Texas. Even when he moved back to East Coast after 9/11 I wasn’t invited to his home aside from one Christmas. I was…just not important anymore. That’s shit hurt but I buried it. I called every Father’s Day, Christmas and Birthday like a dutiful daughter should.
It was around this time when my unhealthy relationships began. My high school boyfriends were…not the best choices. I own it. I’m no saint. When I had my first child at 18 my Dad and Stepmom asked to adopt him….My first born son. Thoughts of having a son/brother quickly came and went and my answer was a resounding hell no. Like what is this a soap opera? Yeah I decided to pass on this West Virginia craziness. With this we had reached an impasse and I would never look at either one of them the same.
My Dad became more and more distant. Not just with me but with his siblings as well. I married a toxic man who cheated on me and lied to me often and blamed me for the cheating and lying. We were together 12 years by the time I had enough of his shenanigans. By now I had three kids. My Dad was so distant he didn’t even know I had gotten divorced and engaged.
When I got married for the second time, my Dad didn’t even bother to RSVP. He told me he wasn’t coming after the deadline passed and I called to follow up. When confronted by his siblings he told them “well no one came to my wedding”. Let me remind y’all….WE WERE NOT INVITED. Rewritten history had become a part of my day to day life with my then soon to be husband. It’s a tactic toxic people use to confuse their victim in order to continue their abuse and neglect. What did I do? I labeled my Dad toxic, began referring to him by his first name in conversations, blocked all contact and proceeded to MARRY MY SECOND TOXIC HUSBAND. Yup.
Fucking abandonment issues.
Do you have abandonment issues? How have they impacted your love life?